Outer Expressions of Inner Emotions

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But really, she is awesome.

Yeah, yeah, I know its irritating when people blog about their friends, who then blog back about them, and it feels like a strangely narcissistic, faked grab for attention, like, “How about I say you’re awesome, so then you feel the need to reply that I’M awesome, and we repeat this over a long period of time, so that everyone around us thinks we are just too awesome for them, that we’re this elite group of blogging SUPASTARS!”

Dooce.com has been accused of this, as has the Bloggess, and a few others, and if its true, it works, because I think they’re all awesome and I wanna be like them someday, as much as I dislike being made to feel like I’m not in the “in” group.

So fuck that, I’m starting my own insiders group. It consists of me. And Cassie. Who is awesome. And you’re not invited.

Just kidding.

Buuut, Cassie IS awesome.

We go entirely too long between seeing each other, but when we do, it’s so very worth it, and it makes me so happy to have a friend who, hell, COULD be in Dooce and the Bloggess’s in-group. And while she’s sitting around having drinks with some of my favorite bloggers would still go, “Oh hey, I’m inviting my friend Monica over to join us. You’ll love her!” despite knowing perfectly well that I will never speak, will suffer from convulsions of introversion the whole time, and most likely will sit in a corner watching everyone like some freakish creeper.

It’s rare to find people who genuinely understand and still enjoy introverts. We can be an unsettling (unsettled?) group.

I love our conversations, I love that she makes me think, I love the way she questions things. If I could have one characteristic of hers, it would be that, her spirit of questioning. Usually I’m so busy mentally chewing on whatever information I just received, or worrying about the socially appropriate response to it, that I can’t even begin to think of follow-up questions that I undoubtedly have later but am too slow to put forth at the right moment.

Anyway, I’m gonna stop there, because Cassie knows she’s awesome, I know she’s awesome and those of you who do not know her are either jealous or annoyed about not knowing her.

But I guarantee that if you send her some vegetarian meatballs right now, she’d be your friend too.

Now I’m one of THOSE patients.

Wow, that wisdom teeth surgery last year did a doozy on me.

I had a dentist appt this morning— to replace an old silver filling that was going bad, and to fix a soft spot that would become a cavity in a year or so. Very minor, really.

But there I was, on the chair, trembling, shaking, crying, and moving my legs from side to side in that repetitive motion that kids on the Autism spectrum do to soothe themselves.  I was shaking so badly, I was having trouble wiping my tears away. I was terrified.

I knew it was all in my head– I kept taking deep breaths, kept trying to relax my shoulders, my arms, my neck and my jaw– but it wasn’t working.

With all the crying and shaking, I was seriously embarrassed too. Luckily, the dentist and her assistance were warm and encouraging, and didn’t get mad at me like the oral surgeon had last year. That helped IMMENSELY.

Seeing my fear and knowing anticipation can be the worst part, the dentist was quick to move in as soon as the numbing agents had done their work. She was good. And speedy.

By the time I left, I felt better and was numb up to my eyes. The dentist said I had done well, “See, it wasn’t so bad!” and that next time she would give me a prescription for Valium.

Character

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Tis the Season!

It cracks me up to hear about Christians protesting about Christmas’s ever-expanding commerciality and lack of focus on their god, when you know they got their kids iPhones and piles of brand name clothes.

Ah, the never-ending hypocrisy. It never gets old.

The Happy Little Atheist!

Jacqueline comes home, and completely out of the blue, races into our office and says, “I don’t believe in god! Do YOU?”

“No . . . where did THAT come from?”

She laughs and runs off.

Luckily too, because I was about to add, “Yeah, it’s kinda like believing in Santa or the Tooth Fairy,” and then I remembered, oh wait, she still does believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

Which says something about god, if you ask me– that the idea of a god is less credible than one of Santa or the Tooth Fairy.

Mind you, we’ve never really talked about our atheism in front of her. Not intentionally,  but I think more because she’s only here 2 days a week, and at those times, we’re more involved with making dinner, finishing homework, and playing with the dogs than talking about religion or worldviews. Yenno, aside from me ranting about how effin’ awful the gender stereotypes on those damn Disney shows she likes so much are.

Later, I asked her why she doesn’t believe in a god and she said, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” Which is fine with me, but it sounds more like (all four of) her parents  are atheists and she just hasn’t been exposed to any god or gods yet.  I look forward to seeing her develop her reasoning over the years– it’ll be interesting to watch. :o) And I am happy for her, albeit a little jealous–  she’s gotten such a free start on life, without the guilt, judgment, fear, and cognitive dissonance that I wrestled with for 25 years, and that is a beautiful gift indeed.

It’s been awhile, so you’re getting a treat.

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Where art thou, Muse?

My goal every year is to make 12 New Year’s Resolutions, and my rule is to actually accomplish at least half of them.

I have five so far, and because I’ve procrastinated, only one of the final seven is possible to achieve by year’s end. And it is this: to create two paintings.

Beh. Unfortunately, for me to paint, I need shocking amounts of encouragement   and matching amounts of inspiration. I have neither. Oh, and I need another canvas too.

Maybe I’ll spend the last two weeks of 2011 catching up on my book list and call it good.